Playing Peek-a-Boo

The recent and current furor about the overzealous activities of Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) an arm of the Homeland Security Agency has given me pause (not paws). So, we have these ultra super, high-falutin’ scanners that cannot see if you have something hidden in an orifice, but do register the dimensions and consistency of certain body parts. Hmmm. In addition, the former Director of Homeland Security (Michael Chertoff) now represents the company that provides these amazing scanners. Hmmm. The scanner operators are supposedly ensconced at a remote location so that they cannot see or be seen by the passengers. The primary purpose for this placement of the scanner controller was to “protect the privacy of the passengers.” Now we discover that nearly a hundred of the scans have been seen on the internet. Hmmm. I feel much safer now, don’t you?


If you should decide to opt out of the full-body, totally revealing scan procedure, then you may be subjected to a body “pat.” Maybe you’ll qualify for the enhanced body pat. This is a process whereby the designated TSA agent using hands and fingers explores parts of your body that neither your mother nor your spouse has ever touched. Hmmm. The official government fondling is done for your own protection. The possibility that the examining officer may rarely change his or her rubber gloves should not impact your protection or your safety for at least two weeks. Hmmm. Everyone is a potential target for the official government fondling or voyeurism, though some have more potential than others. High probability targets include good looking people, old people, nuns and especially cute children. The low probability universe includes, but is not limited to, Muslims, ugly people, armed provocateurs, Mid-Eastern explosives experts and Black Panthers carrying nightsticks while dressed in camouflage.

Some people have expressed outrage at this blatant violation of our 4th Amendment rights, and they have called for a more aggressive profiling program to identify potential miscreants before they get to the security area. They argue that if the government wasn’t so “P.C,” then the profiling procedure would render much of the present system unnecessary. Hmmm. The critics are ignoring one critical factor in the entire airport security fiasco. They do profile. Yes, indeed, they do profile. You see, if you were to opt out of the scanning and chose to undergo the enhanced body pat, and you actually smiled doing the procedure. You would be profiled as a “perv.” Two huge TSA musclemen would throw you to the floor and clamp detention bracelets on your ankles. See, the system works just like most government programs work.

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